I have not been happy in my marriage for some time. November will be 15 years married and March was 18 yrs together. We were always known to argue/fight and yell at each other. We don’t agree on how we should parent my 12 year old. We have different ways of thinking and doing of things. Due to the trauma from when I was a kid, I always feel the need to be defensive. I feel attacked and sometimes I want to just give up. My husband was the one who helped me see the hurt and negativity around my family. He took me away from all of it and I am so thankful for it. But I feel like I went from one negative situation to another. He tells me that I am not a good parent, that I have no idea what I am talking about. He sometimes says these things in front of people and our daughter. When I get defensive or question him, I am told to talk to my therapist about that or therapy apparently isn’t working if he especially if he doesn’t like something I said. I feel lonely and sad inside. I worry about my daughter. I am constantly told that she is ‘not me’. I know that but I see her struggles. I listen and hear her words.
I told my husband this morning that we need to seriously think about seeing a lawyer to legally separate. His response was we will go through our options with the finances and our daughter. He says he is tired of always being the ‘bad guy’ but isnt he? I may call him ab ‘ass’ or ‘hoarder’ or ‘germaphobe’, but is that realIy the same. Those are usually in a defense of the attacks towards me. Is it OK, no but he is a hoarder and a germaphobe who lives in a mess. I think separating is for the best, right? I am so lost and sad and just want to lay in bed.
I am hoping by creating this blog, I will start to heal. I can start to feel better and maybe someone will understand and help me through this journey of finally being happy.
Learning to love myself 